It is fathers day today and as I do every year on this day I think about you. Well really I think about you far more often than that but this time of year especially. I think about you because yes it is fathers day after all and it is traditional to think of ones father on this day, but also because fathers day has always been my reminder that it is your birthday in a few days. Of course you had no way of really knowing that I was thinking of you this time every year. Our communication skills were never that great. This seems to be an inherited defect which I got a double dose of from both sides of the family tree. I should probably hang a sign saying correspondence not part of my genetic make up, if you would like to keep in touch with me you're going to have to initiate it. It has never been for lack of wanting to communicate. Communication is a little like a library book for me. I take one out and I am all excited about it. Filled with the resolution that this time I am really going to get that library book back as soon as I finish reading it which I do usually within a day or two of taking it out. Then life happens and I go shoot I should take that book back and of course I don't and it becomes a niggling little worry in the back of my mind until some strange compulsion comes over me that prevents me from even attempting to take the library book back because it would just be too much. The thought is actually overwhelming. Eventually a year or two later I say to myself well this is ridiculous it is just a library book, it is not that hard to do. So I don my dark classes and sheepish grin, take the damn library book back, pay my hundred dollar fine and skulk away into the darkness saying I will never use the library again...I will buy all my books from now on until next time. It was a while ago that I had one of those breakthrough moments where I realised that this is ridiculous, you are my father and we need to talk more. By this time I had lost a number somewhere along the line and I only had your work number for the hardware store which I called. When I asked for you the person on the line sounded uncomfortable and said you did not work there anymore. Months after that Lorraine found me on Facebook and told me the news that you were gone. I am not going to go into the emotions I went through when I found out but it was a pretty bad time for me and really I had nobody to talk to about this, no funeral to go to and no closure. Honestly I am still processing it all. I am not sure I will ever get over the processing phase. I know we loved each other madly but I do not know why we did what we did. What made us the way we are. Now I am left with the memories good and bad. The bad memories are mostly the times without you when I wondered what I had done wrong and why I was not good enough. There are many good memories though and things that you gave me that I will always have in my heart. They are the very special us memories that nothing can take away. Starting with the letters you sent me as a child. I wish I still had them, I loved the little pictures you used to draw for me, they were amazing and awesome and I carry them in my mind and heart, seeing them clearly as day even though Its been about 30 years since I saw them last. Sandton City will always be a place that reminds me of you and our special trips to Brittan's sweets to buy Halva. I will always think of you when I see a red grape Liquifruit, wooden bowls, avocado's, brocolli, Milo, Monis grape juice, Postum, Golfers, joggers, squashers, Staffies named Rufus, Rinkaals snakes,Yoga, Simon and Garfunkel, Margherita pizza and Spaghetti Napoli. It really isnt much when you compare it to a lifetime of knowing each other but it is what I have along with Braagies bregies, brixton bregies and Golliwog.
One day I hope that we will get out reunion in another world where the only thing that will mater will be the love we had for each other.
Until then Dad I love you, Happy Fathers Day and Happy Birthday.

Golliwog

7 comments:

tissue alert next time mam!!!!

jus wrote you a long letter back but wiped out..sorry cant recapture the words right now too sad,,will come back to you later little sis...in the meantime i love you always

from me Che your big sister....xxx~*

Oh angel :( *big big hug*

Life, it teaches us by constantly kicking us up the ass.

Never miss an opportunity to say *I love you*.

But the memories, they are what make life bittersweet. As you say, no one can take those away from you. Gone, but definitely not forgotten. You said it beautifully!

*BIG HUG*!!

This was Phil's mantra.."

This was always Phil's mantra..." Passing through this world but once is all I expect to do; any good things therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again...." The sad thing about all this is that he did not have your phone contact numbers when you moved away..... He spoke a lot of the missing years without his children.... was like a mist.....His theme song was "the great pretender", He loved the universe and all its creatures.... he was wise always kind and gentle to everyone.... And now....he is greatly missed by all those whose lives he touched...
I can assure you that is is always there with you, teasing and playing his tricks as he does, cause he does with me.... take care ... love you.

Although he could only watch from a distance, I know that he loved each one of his children deeply and was so proud of you too. He was a parent .... He was your father.

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I am a single mom to two amazingly wonderful children! 
I paint faces, cater, and coordinate children's birthday parties for a living!
In my spare time I write, cook, read, review, and blog!
I am a foodie, a bibliophile, a civil rights advocate, and autism parent, and mentor!
I am pretty gosh darn eclectic!

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